Red Wine In The Dark Or The Toothless Gay Vampire Movie Chat

So, I may (or may not) have been recommended a movie to watch by Amber KMuse: It’s gay vampires! Stephanie, you should totally watch it! I know you’ll love it as I’ve seen it and it is totally up your alley. Or at least that’s what I heard, hindsight tells me this might not be exactly what she said. Of course, the lure of a gay vampire movie is hard to resist for one such as me. Here though, again, hindsight tells me I should have stayed far, far, far away from this movie. Or at least been wise enough to stop watching once I realized my mistake. Instead though? Instead I stuck it out, hijacked my friends Facebook chat and gave them a running commentary on this flaming piece of poo.

If I have to suffer so do they.

As I am the oversharing type, I thought you may enjoy our exchange — but as a warning! This show is terrible. I kept the chat pretty much as it happened without edits. So what you see here is essentially my brain vomit. Also, this post is absolutely NSFW, and is rated R due to language and for the type of movie it is (throughout the show I wasn’t entirely certain it wasn’t an uncleverly hidden porn) so think carefully before going forward.

Stephanie:  Now I’m finally watching the gay vampire one — its pretty terrible so far

Molly:  Oh no! Haven’t seen it.

Stephanie:  It still could be deliciously bad…but I’m leaning no

Molly:   Heh. Keep me posted. : )

Amber Kmuse:  Haha it is so bad.

Molly:   LOL

Amber Kmuse:  Wasn’t going to ruin it in case you had a different feel since our liked don’t always click

Stephanie: It’s 10 minutes in and I still haven’t seen a fucking vampire

oh wait

I think this is it

Amber Kmuse: He shows up soon…in the abandoned building

Stephanie: I am ready to get my gay vampire on — he’d better show up quick — and he’d better be way cooler than the other guy this one is mooning over

yeah kid, walk around the spooky ass building in the middle of the night

that has open holes and stuff

makes perfect sense

And now we have vampire!!!!

Wait. No. Looks like vampire’s victim

although he has a Dracula hair thing going on

Amber Kmuse: I made it 30 min in then skimmed

Stephanie: “I’ll get some food for you” “Don’t worry, you’re the food that I want” Nom nom nom

wait

I may be expecting this to turn into a porno

Amber Kmuse: Hahaha that is about right for dialogue

Stephanie: Ooooh yeah, look at those creepy red eyes, they look hawt. Says dumb hero

Amber Kmuse: The hero is a little bit messed up.  Jerk dodged a bullet with that guy

Stephanie: If this is the vamp I’m disappointed he’s eating food.

no way

Amber Kmuse: Yup but he doesn’t know yet…ours is an idiot

Stephanie: I pretty much hate everyone right now. I hope this isn’t the vampire. I was hoping for some…vamp

ooooh eat this banana…..

are you sure this isn’t going to turn into a porno amber?

Amber Kmuse:  Uhm…not that I saw, but I did skim. I have come to the conclusion that asians just can’t do vamp stories

Stephanie: I need to go get help! Ooooh but I just fell like a….

ew

ew

ew

yep there’s blood

he is eating the blood

I think I can eat blood?

WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?????

Maybe you’re not human! Maybe you’re….a VAMPIRE!

No way!

Yeah, that’s what I fucking say too Mr Vampire

So he doesn’t know he is a vampire?

Well, at least he won’t have the ‘I’ve been alive for hundreds of years’ brood on him

Oh. SO now he’s an amesiac vampire?

Wasn’t sure it could get worse

and then it did

What do you mean you can’t bring the vampire home with you? Isn’t that the next step in the amnesic vampire porno?

Amber Kmuse: Oh wait…you need to find out how he feeds his new boyfriend

Stephanie: seriously?

The Feeding and Caring for your Vampire amnesiac boyfriend.

Ew. So he’s going to be a feeder? This premise gets less cool

I think it would probably be more interesting as a porno.

Amber Kmuse: Nope he kidnaps his dinner

Stephanie: the blood of his enemies?

Amber Kmuse: Or a jerk ex

Stephanie: Oooh real estate agent is getting handsy

this might become a porno yet

Amber Kmuse: He ties him up and takes blood each day for new boyfriend

Stephanie: boom boom jiggity

this movie is creepy

and not in a good way

in a I feel dirty for watching it way

in a, good lord this may ACTUALLY be just a bad, a really bad porno way

and why is everyone wearing the same underpants?

Did they buy them for the cast in a big pac?

I don’t care if they are too tight! They were 6 for a dollar!

yep. it’s a porno

and now we have toe suckage

WTF Amber?

lameo hero who sleeps with everyone, lameo amesiac vampire, and cringe-worthy dialog

did he sleep with him to get the house?

Amber Kmuse: In my defence I didn’t make it to the porno party

Stephanie: HAHAHAHHAA

Stephanie: Vamp has no fangs? Well neither does this movie.

heh

eat it!

EEEEEEAT IT!

And for once I mean my finger

okay

that was dirty

you have to forgive me I’ve been editing smut all day

Like this house? Good. Because I totally just slept with someone to get it for you

ew

vampire had better become more…vampy soon

I understand the need for no cape. Capes are so passe

Oh wait!

Vampire is wearing the white  underpants!

They really did buy them in a pack

Now why did you get in the tub with him, weirdo?

He’s asking him if his lover is a boy or a girl

I’m all–“hey horny toad, not everyone literally jumps from person to person to person like you”

oh

now they are mopey kissing.

Amber Kmuse: Where did camp boy come from. He seems kind of clueless

Stephanie: Okay. Vampires learning to kiss, I admit is cute

“we’re boyfriends now!” Okay creepy. He has no memory, you were in love with someone two minutes ago, and he’s saying he’ll do anything to make you happy because you’re his food supply

this is not going to end well for you

Great news guys!

Molly:  What?

Stephanie: They are wearing different underpants!

Molly:  LOL

Stephanie: This guy is like vampire puppy.

I hope he remembers he has a really cool life and gets the hell out of there.

This guy is awful, stringing the pedo/realtor on. Yes he’s creepy but should you be stringing him along like that with sex?

Molly:  Wow. This is some show!

Stephanie: doesn’t it make you want to watch?

Don’t

maybe he’s like a vampire prince

Amber Kmuse: Don’t….it is bad

Stephanie: and though he doesn’t remember his family will find him and come take him away

Oooooh….is he going to slice up douchy ex boyfriend? Is he going to become a murderer? This show suddenly got interesting

He’s not going to murder him? Bummer

Is he going to just ask him for the blood? Well, less interesting.

Oh great. More creepy sex we don’t care about..

Oh wait. Bondage

THIS IS A PORN!!!!

Molly:  What??

Stephanie:  Nope

Sorry

Molly:   OMG

Stephanie:  he’s trying to get the blood. Did he really think this brilliant plan was going to work?

Dude. Where did he get the needles from? The vampire grocery store?

and now he’s back with his lameo amnesiac vampire faux-boyfriend/captive

Amber Kmuse:  Again..stupid vamp.

Stephanie:  does he ever get his groove thang on? Ever?

Amber Kmuse: Asian vamps suck….and rarely in a blood way

Stephanie:  yeah. He is super whiny. I almost prefer the depressed, I’ve been living for hundreds of years vamps — at least they are alluring

well

some of them

Oh, he brought blood home for him. Guess it’s time to say thanks

You know in the only currency this guy understands

white underpants

(which are back by the way)

Amber Kmuse: Boom chica wow wow

Stephanie: he moved pretty quickly from adorable just learned how to kiss to…whatever the fudge that was

I just can’t help but think this guy has a terrible home life where he just jumps from person to person who says they ‘love’ him

grow up.

I will do anything to keep us together.

Even if it means murdering all my ex lovers

luckily there are many to choose from

ooooh he’s lying to vamp about where he’s getting blood. That at least is interesting

Although I hope I don’t have to sit through more bad porn scenes

Let’s be clear

I don’t mind boom boom jiggity schees

I do mind bad boom boom jiggity scenes

Molly:  Me too. Awkward.

Stephanie: oooooh douchy ex boyfriend is alive

didn’t see that coming

oooh. I totally expected the dummy hero to fall for douchy ex

ploy

Amber Kmuse: You’re watching it so no one else has to

Stephanie: indeed

Molly:  Thank you for sacrificing yourself like this. : )

Stephanie: ooooh vamp has a fan. Oh. Maybe amnesiac vamp is a ‘ho too!

Molly:  

Stephanie: awwwwww he told the other douchy guy they were boyfriends

oh no. does that mean it’s time for more white underpants?

Amber Kmuse: So many underpants…At least I hope there are more than just two

Stephanie: Ooooh he’s starting to remember things

uhoh  pedo/realtor is there

oh, he’s pulling the “Oh so you don’t trust me?” this guy is TERREIBLE

Let’s try that again

TERRIBLE

“Wine, you’re so mean” Yes, yes he is

Run Pedo/realtor, RUN!

Is this thing done yet?

GAH! I’m only at 58 minutes

I deserve all the cheezits for this

Remember if it’s not me–don’t open the door!

Yeah, because it may be one of the people I’m catfishing

That guys underpants are pretty pristine for having been locked up for so long with no access to a bathroom

Molly:  Heh

Stephanie: whoops. I’m long blinking

time for soda

and mother flipping cheezits

because I’m worth it

Amber Kmuse: Are you back on the diet Pepsi train

Stephanie: yeah

I fell off

until monday

I am being tortured!

yeah

aren’t we all doucy ex boyfriend

aren’t we all

Dude. You’re going to make out with him before killing him? That’s low

so you’re cheating on your Amnesiac Vampire Boyfriend with his lunch?

Molly:  Hahaha

Amber Kmuse: It is amazing how there is not one likable character in this show

Molly:  Dang. That’s sad.

Stephanie: and yet here I sit hour in

I have hopes for dopey amnesiac vampire boyfriend

Okay, just kill this guy already. He’s boring

And he really is just trying to trick you

Don’t let lunch escape, dopey! DON’T LET BE FOOLED BY LUNCH

Molly:  Wow. The drama! : D

Stephanie: now he’s being short with amnesiac vampire boyfriend. I’m afraid when you get your memory back you will leave me.

the watchers say we’re hoping he will considering we just saw this big emotional scene between you and the feeder.

Wonder if he’s dead

probably not because this thing is toothless

Molly:  This show does not sound redeeming.

Stephanie: trying to find a guitar for your boyfriend to play? Why don’t you go find someone else to sleep with so they will buy you one?

no, Molly, no it’s not

Molly:  LOL

But… maybe it’s so bad it’s good in its badness?

Stephanie: no it is not but chatting with you guys is getting me through

It needs camp

Molly:  Hahaha

Stephanie: and more than this hero guy grinning like an idiot, like that makes everything he’s doing okay

well now they are just chillaxin’ in the garbage heap.

Molly:  Nice place to hang out!

Stephanie: totes makes sense

Molly:  It’s just emblematic of the show itself.

Stephanie:  Let’s get all lovey dovey amides the trash when we have a perfectly good house I’m stringing someone along for

speak of the devil it’s the pedo/realtor

with flowers

HE’S CATFISHING YOU

Do not be so nice to him!

uhoh, Looks like the underpants are making an appearance

Molly:   Again??

Stephanie:  “You have to have sex with me the way I want” Yeah. there is no character with a redeeming value here. Just wait until he feeds you to his boyfriend

Molly:  Wow

Stephanie: He’s calling him little boy.

HE IS A PEDO REALTOR!!!!!!

Molly:  LOL

Stephanie: He’s asking to be raped?

EWWWWWW

Molly:  ???

Creepy

Stephanie: Let me just whip out the handcuffs I handily have right on me

“Cool! I’ve always wanted to rape you”

what is with this fucking show?

Molly:  Dang. It’s getting worse.

I didn’t think that was possible from your comments.

Stephanie: Yeah, you’d think

white underpants have made an appearance

well cool. We have feeder #2

so because he woke up from a nightmare does make what he did okay?

Ew. Even in his dream he’s self-absorbed and creepy dreaming that the people he’s captured are all in love with him

Molly:  *face palm*

Stephanie: while vampire guy sits in the corner and watches. Yep, that pretty much sums up this show

buckup kid, maybe when amnesiac vampire boyfriend becomes un-amnesiac, he’ll realize he’s a terrible person too!

Then you will b a match made in heaven

Molly:  Well…. Sounds like that was time well spent. LOL

Stephanie: so now he’s apologizing to douchy ex boyfiend telling him he’s sorry but his boyfriend needs to eat him and if that’ okay for a while and he promises not to tell, he’ll let him go at the end

can’t wait for this kid to get caught

which should happen soon considering he’s untying the douche

now we have pedo/realtor, who I’m guessing we’re going to drain. Oddly, I’m okay with that

Molly:  Yes because you’ve developed such love for these characters.

Stephanie: now he’s telling him that he won’t be able to love him. Uhhhh….you’ve tied him up and drained his blood. What makes you think you’re so fucking loveable now, loser?

oh he is muerte.

My name is muerte

prepare to die

whoops

until my boyfriend sees me doing it and gets his memory back

Molly: smh

Stephanie: oooooh turns out he isn’t the first person to do this for him. So disappointed by this mopey toothless vampire

flashback! A bland one. He has replaced his dad with dumb hero.

Be greatful someone wants to keep you alive, dumbass.

this show is the weeeerst

Molly:  Yeah, I’ve had that feeling for awhile now. LOL

Strangely, I almost want to see it cause it’s so bad.

Stephanie: oh wait he ends up killing hs dad? Too late show, too late

vampire says peace out homie

I’m sure we’ll totally meet again

maybe next time you’ll just let me eat you like I said

love that he just left dumb hero there hanging out with the corpses

I have good news!

And bad news!

Good news!

I only have 10 minues left

bad news.

I still have 10 minutes left

Molly:  Exactly

Stephanie: what

the

fudge

this guy is going to Oscar the Grouch it in an garbage can?

Molly:   Whut

Stephanie:  This movie makes no sense and now the police found the dumb hero… if this is how the show ends….

Did I really stop watching Cinderella and the four Knights for this???

wait

what?

how did vamp get in jail?

Oh wait

is this a dream?

Amber Kmuse: I would like to apologize and say I missed tons of that….skimming is sometimes a good thing

Stephanie: IS THIS HOW THIS SHOW FUCKIGN ENDS?????????????

Oh

my

god

He doesn’t need to be in jail, he needs to be in an effing mental hospital

Amber Kmuse: But now you have this awesome post all ready to go

Stephanie: Oh wait. The last shot is the guitar by itself

did he die?

Did he kill himself?

And is that other guy STILL sitting in the garbage somewhere????

What has happened with my life

Amber Kmuse: That is all I saw and I didn’t care enough to skim back

Stephanie: I was delighted at the thought of gay vampires

where is that show?

That show could have been delightfully campy

and now I will apologize for holding our chat hostage the last TWO hours

Amber Kmuse: Haven’t you realized that vamp Asians are never campy.  They are always weird

Stephanie: I did watch the vampire host club

Amber Kmuse: Except for vampire flower..That was campy

But sadly not gay

Molly:  I think we need a moment of silence for what you just went through, Stephanie. You poor poor thing.

Amber Kmuse: 

Amber Kmuse: This pepsi is lifted in your honor

Stephanie: I’d say thanks but you were the one who got me into this

Amber Kmuse: 

Amber Kmuse: Love you

Stephanie: hahahahhahaha

you are forgiven

Amber Kmuse:  I promise the next gay show I suggest I will actually watch and not skim